... a painful process.
Yes, life's supposed to be full of challenges, but when you don't come out of each challenge feeling stronger but rather with an embittered self-worth it takes its toll on you.
Is it because I'm not worth the attention or because I'm just that useless? Surely if there was some value in it you would go for it. I wish I could easily and painlessly break apart those bonds that soured or became ill-fated.
I nearly nearly nearly got the day of BBI semi-finals wrong (thank goodness I didn't) but on the bright side it was a motivational point to do well for it, now we actually stand a fighting chance! I did up a pretty troll powerpoint and it impressed the judges quite a bit (I don't even know why they are considering our idea)
I'm better now after a couple or so weeks. It can get pretty scary at times though, I hope I can keep repressing it for as long as possible.
The amount of physical stress on the other hand is reaching sky high levels. The horrible weather, mounds of work, backlogs on my scheduling for studies and failure to complete things to my expectations is building up into self denial; at some point I'm going to break soon.
Still, some things in life that will always jumpstart you again!
The following note may be highly immature in the eyes of some. You may judge me as you like, but I plead for you to understand that unless you have been through this, you will not realise how immensely heart-breaking it is for me and the few other people out there with parental distress and emotional scarring. As for those who are celebrating a normal mother's day this year, please treasure her and love her for eternity, for you cannot see how blessed and lucky you are :)
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At this time last year, I penned a long letter to try and show my appreciation for this person, and to tell her that while I understand her concerns and everything she has done, sometimes its best to let me handle myself as I am aware of what I want and I try hard.
But this year, I just have no motivation to give her anything. I remember two days after, I fought with her bitterly and shouted myself hoarse at her that I regret giving her the card. Harsh and mean as that is, unless you are standing in my shoes you will probably not understand how it feels like.
Some of you may believe that even though your parents may be unreasonable at times, they still love you and it can be seen through their actions. And some of you believe that they always have the best in mind for us and therefore they should be respected.
But there are so many assumptions with these views. Being unreasonable at times is not the same as being un-reasonable MOST OF THE TIME. It's not only frustrating, annoying, confidence-breaking, anger-inducing, misery-inculcating and all the other descriptors - it's downright devastating to a person who faces emotional pain on a regular basis. When she doesn't realise how much suffering I go through, doesn't see it, or doesn't understand, I truly lose all my hope in her.
Sure, love can be shown through other actions. She does more than a parent is expected to do - she's a housewife so she does my laundry, cooks, gives me pocket money, excessively helps me with things long past the respective age of provision, like packing my bag, checking my work, doing up my uniform, etc. Some would say she's the best parent in the world on these accounts alone. But if love was shown through actions of excessive (yes, I believe myself capable of packing my bag and preparing my uniform etc therefore it is "excessive") responsibility and not through emotional guidance and appreciation, then you must understand that people who don't get the other kind of love, won't be able to appreciate it. You can't expect a child to love his parent over the fact that he/she does everything "significant" for you - the logibody c is compromised when the intention is similar to that of a rich parent buying their children gifts instead of spending quality family time with them!
I wish so much that I can shower her with my words of thanks and all the things buried at the bottom of my heart, crushed by all the misery I have felt under her "care" for 17 odd years. I wish I can call her "mum" without having the words stuck in my throat, wish I can speak to her on an emotional level without feeling like I'm being strangled to death.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not cold-hearted, I love my dad and other family members to bits, especially my dad, who's been providing for the family for so many years while never uttering a word of complaint, bringing me to school dutifully every morning and giving me words of love and simple advice. It's ironic that while my dad can speak only chinese and my mum can speak both english and chinese, that I will always love speaking to my dad (those who know me will understand how horrendous my chinese can be). I even love some of my friends more than her, though.
Maybe the expectation of growing up into a responsible, mature adult will allow me to appreciate all that my mum has done for me in the past decade. But for this year, I will no longer compromise on how I feel about her, because no matter what kind of connection it is - be it friendship, family bonds, teachers, strangers - mutual respect is the foundation for communication and that is something she completely fails to understand. Until the day where she finally realises that she has personally torn apart the heart of her own son will I be able to forgive her, and forgive myself for writing this painful piece.
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... that I still have people to help and support me through my tough times.
Huangcheng was amazing :) Perhaps not as good as last year, but it was full of wonderful surprises anyway. Had the chance to laugh and be with my friends, people whom I have been neglecting (mentally) in some way of another. They're wonderful people, I just wish we were more fated to spend more time together.
